Mother Theresa at the Gates Of Heaven

St. Peter meets Mother Theresa at the Gates Of Heaven and says, "You were a good woman. I'm giving you a nice halo." Mother Theresa is walking around Heaven when she sees Princess Di, and the Princess has a much bigger halo. Mother Theresa goes back to St. Peter and says, "St. Peter, I spent most of my adult life helping the poor and the sickly. Princess Di did no where near the amount of charitable work I did. Why does she have a bigger halo?" St. Peter says, "That's not a halo. That's a steering wheel."

Heavenly Golf Game

God, Jesus and John the Baptist are playing golf up in heaven. On the first tee, JB leads off and hits a big blast right down the gut; it rolls to a stop about 270 yards out, perfect lie. Jesus steps up next and kills the ball, sending it about 300 yards straight away, perfect lie. God steps up and waggles and wiggles and then badly hooks his ball into the trees. As it flies in, a huge oak is struck by lightning and splits, one half falling into the path of the oncoming ball and knocking it into the fairway. As it comes to a rest, a bare 50 yards out, a squirrel darts out of the woods on the other side and grabs the ball and takes off towards the left-side woods. Before he gets in, an eagle swoops down and grabs the squirrel, carrying it aloft down the fairway. Just as it passes over the green, the eagle is pelted by hailstones, whereupon it drops the squirrel (still clutching the ball) onto the green about three feet from the hole. Dazed, the squirrel spits the ball out where it rolls up and stops on the lip of the cup. Suddenly there is an earthquake! The ball drops in... hole in one! Jesus stares at John the Baptist with a pissed look, then turns to God and says: "Dad? We gonna play golf, or are you just gonna mess around?"

Arriving in Heaven

Three men die and go to heaven and queue to meet St. Peter.
St. Peter: "Hi, what's your name?"
Paul: "My name is Paul."
St. Peter: "Hi, Paul. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?"
Paul: "120K."
St. Peter: "Wow! Tell me, Paul, what were you doing to earn that kind of money?"
Paul: "I was a lawyer."
St. Peter: "That's great. Come on in." 
St. Peter then turned to the second man. "Hi, what's your name?"
Roger: "My name is Roger."
St. Peter: "Hi, Roger. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?"
Roger: "60K."
St. Peter: "Hey, that's great! Tell me, Roger:, what did you do for a living?"
Roger: "I was an accountant."
St. Peter: "That's very good. Come on in." 
St. Peter then turned to the third man. "Hi, what's your name?"
John: "My name is John."
St. Peter: "Hi, John. Tell me, John, how much were you earning when you died?"
John: "About $23,000."
St. Peter: "Hey, that's fantastic, John! Tell me, what instrument did you play?"