Satan's Beatitudes

• Blessed are those who are too tired, too busy, too distracted to spend an hour once a week with their fellow Christians in Church - they are my best workers.
• Blessed are those who wait to be asked and expect to be thanked - I can use them in my business.
• Blessed are those who are touchy. Soon they will stop going to church - verily, they shall be my missionaries.
• Blessed are those who sow gossip and trouble - they are my beloved children.
• Blessed are those who have no time to pray - for they are MY prey.
• Blessed are those who gossip - for they are my secret agents.
• Blessed are you when you read this and think it has everything to do with other people, and nothing to do with you. - I've got room for YOU at my inn.

Punishment in Hell

A man dies and goes to Hell. The devil greets him and says, "You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They'll go to Heaven and you'll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room." The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped. The second room has someone being burned by a torch. The third has a man getting blown by a naked woman. "I choose this room!" the man says. "Very well," the devil says. He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder. "You can go now. I've found your replacement."

Devil's Finds

Three men are traveling on a ship, when they are accosted by the Devil. The Devil proposes that if each man drops something into the sea and he cannot find it, he will be that man's slave. If the Devil does find it, however, he will eat that man up. The first man drops a pure, clear diamond, and immediately gets eaten. The second drops an expensive watch, trying to impress the Devil, and gets eaten. The third man fills a bottle with water and pours it into the sea yelling, "You think I'm a fool? Try finding that!"