Bath Time.

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and a young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness.  If she could, do only whatever he told her to do and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily.  "I've been saved.".  "Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?", asked the old nun.  "Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."  "Did he now?", said the old nun evenly.  Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock." 
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.  "At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."  "That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"

Ten Reasons Adam Was the Luckiest Man

1. He is the only man who has never been compared to the man she could have married.
2. He had no in-laws to drop in.
3. There were no Jones for him to keep up with.
4. There were no credit cards OR shopping centers.
5. He never had his dinner interrupted by window salesmen.
6. He got away with wearing a simple wardrobe.
7. He never had to shovel snow!
8. If he had gone bald, who would have known that wasn't normal.
9. There was no "standard weight and height" tables - and the word FAT meant good.
10. When God asked "Adam, where are you?" He replied, "The woman you gave me was reading the map."

The De-Ranged Cowboy

Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys, back on the ranch, about his first visit to a big-city church ."When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral,"  Joe began. "You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow. "I walked up the trail to the gate," Joe continued. "The sidewalk to the door,"  Charlie corrected him. "Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on ."That would be the usher," Charlie explained. "Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said. "You mean the aisle," Charlie said. "Then he led me to a stall and told me to sit there,"  Joe continued ."Pew," Charlie retorted ."Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her."