First Time

I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14 . I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Bernen's pharmacy.
In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Carol) knew what they were for.
She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. Apparently I still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked. 
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.' So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.
She then beat the shit out of me.... Women have always been hard for me to figure out !

Men And Lava Lamps

Q: How are men like lava lamps?
A: They're fun to look at, but not that bright.

God Made Eve First

In this world God made Eve first and one day he came to the Garden to check on her. So he asks her how is everything going. Eve says everything is wonderful except one thing-the third breast he gave her it is a real pain in the ass. When she is playing with her breast she only has two hands and when she is running she can only hold up two breasts -- could he please do something to help her? So God says no problem-he reaches down and pulls the breast off and tosses it under a bush. Eve is very thankful. When God checks in on Eve a while later she is happy with her breasts but is lonely. She points out that all the animals have a partner to be with so why can't she. "Well," God says, "When I made you I used all the human parts I had there is nothing left to make a man with. I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do." Well, Eve says, what about the useless tit that you threw under the bush?