Bejewelled Portrait

Mrs. Whembleton decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant." "But, Madam, you are not wearing any of those things." "True enough," said Mrs. Whembleton. "If I should pre-decease my dear husband I know he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go stark raving mad looking for the jewelry!"

When Man Is Smartest

Q: Why is a man at his smartest when he is having sex?
A: Because he's plugged into a woman!

Busted

My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding.
She got mad and said she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.