Try This On

A man goes to Frederick's of Hollywood. He wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit. "This is $200," she says. "I want one that's more sheer," says he. "This one is $350." "I want it even more sheer than that." "This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500." "I'll take it!" The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me." His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not." So his wife comes down, wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose. "So, how do you like it?" she says. "Damn, you'd think for $500, they'd at least iron the damn thing!"

Till Death do us Part

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

The Maid

Maria, a maid, asks her boss for a raise. Her boss is annoyed and asks, "Now, Maria, why do you think you deserve a raise?" Maria: "Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an raise. First, I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?" Maria: "Your husband said so." Wife: "Oh." 
Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?" Maria: "Your husband did." Wife: "Oh."
Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.." The wife is obviously upset: "Did my husband say that ?" Maria: "No, Señora, the gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"