Jealous, Honey?

Not that my wife's the jealous type or anything, but one day at work, I had taken this temp who was filling in for my secretary to lunch in gratitude for an outstanding job on a very difficult project. As luck would have it, there was my wife waiting in the office for my return. The temp, who was truly a ravishing beauty said, "Oh, Mrs. Moore, I'm so happy to meet you. I'm your husband's new secretary."
Within a single heart beat my wife quietly intoned, "OH? Really? Were you???"

Still Got It

An eighty-year-old man goes to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor tells him, “You’re in terrific shape. I think you might live forever. How old was your father when he died?” The eighty-year-old says, “Did I say he was dead?” The doctor is shocked. He asks, “Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?” The eighty-year-old responds again, “Did I say he was dead?” The doctor is astonished. He says, “You mean to tell me you are eighty years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive?” “Not only that,” says the old man, “my grandfather is 122 years old, and next week he is getting married for the first time.” The doctor says: “After 122 years of being a bachelor, why on earth does your grandfather want to get married?” The old man looks up at the doctor and says, “Did I say he wanted to?”

Marriage Quotes 5

• Love, you can't start it like a car, you can't stop it with a gun. - George Bernard Shaw
• One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: "Give little, give seldom, and above all, give grudgingly." Otherwise, what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust. - Ruth Smythers, Marriage advice for women, 1894
• I'd like to get married because I like the idea of a man being required by law to sleep with me every night. - Carrie Snow
• By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher... and that is a good thing for any man. - Socrates
• Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and through the nose of the gentleman. - Herbert Spencer
• Someone once asked me why women don't gamble as much as men do and I gave the common sensical reply that we don't have as much money. That was a true but incomplete answer. In fact, women's total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage. - Gloria Steinem
• If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments. A life without love in it is like a heap of ashes upon a deserted hearth; with the fire dead, the laughter stilled, and the light extinguished. - Frank P. Tebbetts
• At American weddings, the quality of food is inversely proportional to the social position of the bride and the groom. - Calvin Trillin
• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner
• I do not see the EEC as a great love affair. It is more like nine desperate middle-aged couples with failing marriages meeting at a Brussels hotel for a group grope. - Tynan
• The first time you buy a house, you see how pretty the paint is and buy it. The second time, you look to see if the basement has termites. It's the same with husbands. - Lupe Valez
• Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. - Voltaire
• Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution. - Mae West
• Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. - Oscar Wilde
• Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which is never advisable. - Oscar Wilde
• Why are women so much more interesting to men than men are to women? - Virginia Woolf