Asleep in Church

A husband and wife are in church. The preacher notices that the husband has fallen asleep and says to the wife, “Wake your husband up!” The wife answers, “You're the one who made him fall asleep, you wake him up!”

Rubbed The Wrong Way

A young, innocent couple goes on their honeymoon. They get naked and jump into bed, but neither knows what to do. Eventually, they decide to rub their noses together. After awhile, they decide to rub their toes together. Finally, they begin to rub their hips together. Suddenly, the man jumps up and runs to the bathroom. After several minutes, he returns to the bedroom, looking scared. "What happened?" asks his bride. "I don't know," he replies, "but something curdled my urine!"

Costco Memorial

A woman and her friend are sitting together having lunch after one of the women's husband's funeral service. The friend asks the woman if her husband had any life insurance, and the widow answered her. "Well, he had $35,000 in life insurance, but it is all gone."
"All gone?", the friend asks, shocked.
"Yes", said the widow.
"I don't understand", says the friend. "How did you already go through $35,000?"
"Well, it is really not as bad as you think," said the widow. "I had to pay $8500 for his funeral and burial, $500 was donated to the church for the service, $1000 was what I spent on his suit, and $25,000 was for the memorial stone."
Puzzled, the friend looks at the widow and said, "That must have been a huge stone for $25,000!"
The widow answered, "Yeah, 3 carats! It was a great deal, I got it at Costco."