You Might Be A Redneck 39

You might be a redneck if...

• One of the options on your truck is a spitoon.
• The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
• You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
• You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
• You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
• Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."
• You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
• You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
• Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this."
• You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'

Marriage Quotes

• In a great romance, each person plays a part the other really likes. - Elizabeth Ashley
• Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. - Jim Backus
• No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. - Honore de Balzac
• Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting. - Ray Bandy
• Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. - Baskins
• I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting. - Milton Berle, when called to the microphone at the 2nd Annual Comedians Hall of Fame Inductions
• Love: a temporary insanity often curable by marriage. - Ambrose Bierce
• The world has suffered more from the ravages of ill-advised marriages than from virginity. - Ambrose Bierce
• I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette
• Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. - Borge
• In the blithe days of honeymoon, With Kate's allurements smitten, I lov'd her late, I lov'd her soon, And call'd her dearest kitten.But now my kitten's grown a cat, And cross like other wives. O! By my soul my honest Mat, I fear she has nine lives. - James Boswell "Life of Johnson"
• A sweetheart is a bottle of wine, a wife is a wine bottle. - Boudelaire
• For a male and female to live continuously together is...biologically speaking, an extremely unnatural condition. - Robert Briffault
• My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her. - Lenny Bruce
• Never tell. Not if you love your wife... In fact, if your old lady walks in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm tellin' ya." This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck 'Lay on Top of Me Or I'll Die.' I didn't know what I was gonna do..." - Lenny Bruce
• Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back. - Al Bundy
• Nothing says lovin' like marrying your cousin! - Al Bundy
• Once a boy becomes a man, he's a man all his life, but a woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife. - Al Bundy
• I hate work. That's why I got married. - Peg Bundy
• I just want what every married woman wants, someone besides her husband to sleep with. - Peg Bundy
• The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein' big enough to keep his mouth shut, to step back and see where his wife is wrong. - Archie Bunker
• In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved. - Butler
• If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. - Chekhov
• Marriage is an adventure, like going to war. - G. K. Chesterton
• An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her. - Agatha Christie
• The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. - S. T. Coleridge

Things Not To Say On Your Anniversary

10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.
9. Today is our what?
8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?
7. I thought we only celebrated important events?
6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.
5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.
4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.
3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.
2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up.
1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.