Nag Nag Nag!

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, it being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire week's wages.  When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night,  he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.  Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."  Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.  Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Marriage Counseling

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship,"the husband explained. "She was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts." He continued, "She communicates well and I act like I'm listening."

Jumping the Gun

I went to a crematorium to plan my wife's funeral, but apparently she has to be dead first.