Keeping Time

Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. “Did you get that for your birthday?” – asked Johnny.
“Nope.” – replied Jimmy. “Well, did you get it for Christmas then?”
Again Jimmy said “Nope.” “You didn’t steal it, did you?” – asked Johnny.
“No,” said Jimmy. “I went into Mom and Dad’s bedroom the other night when they were ‘doing the nasty’. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.”
Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy’s new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents’ bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.
Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. “What do you want now?” “I wanna watch,” Johnny replied.
Without missing a stroke, his father said, “Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet.”

Supreme Court Decision Same Sex Marriage

Q: Why the US Supreme Court should have legalized Marijuana when they approved same sex-marriage?
A: Because it says in the bible, a man who lies with another man shall be stoned.

Marriage Quotes

• In a great romance, each person plays a part the other really likes. - Elizabeth Ashley
• Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. - Jim Backus
• No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. - Honore de Balzac
• Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting. - Ray Bandy
• Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. - Baskins
• I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting. - Milton Berle, when called to the microphone at the 2nd Annual Comedians Hall of Fame Inductions
• Love: a temporary insanity often curable by marriage. - Ambrose Bierce
• The world has suffered more from the ravages of ill-advised marriages than from virginity. - Ambrose Bierce
• I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette
• Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. - Borge
• In the blithe days of honeymoon, With Kate's allurements smitten, I lov'd her late, I lov'd her soon, And call'd her dearest kitten.But now my kitten's grown a cat, And cross like other wives. O! By my soul my honest Mat, I fear she has nine lives. - James Boswell "Life of Johnson"
• A sweetheart is a bottle of wine, a wife is a wine bottle. - Boudelaire
• For a male and female to live continuously together is...biologically speaking, an extremely unnatural condition. - Robert Briffault
• My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her. - Lenny Bruce
• Never tell. Not if you love your wife... In fact, if your old lady walks in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm tellin' ya." This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck 'Lay on Top of Me Or I'll Die.' I didn't know what I was gonna do..." - Lenny Bruce
• Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back. - Al Bundy
• Nothing says lovin' like marrying your cousin! - Al Bundy
• Once a boy becomes a man, he's a man all his life, but a woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife. - Al Bundy
• I hate work. That's why I got married. - Peg Bundy
• I just want what every married woman wants, someone besides her husband to sleep with. - Peg Bundy
• The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein' big enough to keep his mouth shut, to step back and see where his wife is wrong. - Archie Bunker
• In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved. - Butler
• If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. - Chekhov
• Marriage is an adventure, like going to war. - G. K. Chesterton
• An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her. - Agatha Christie
• The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. - S. T. Coleridge