Bad Cook

Q: How do you know your wife is a bad cook?
A: She uses the smoke alarm as a timer.

Your Name Is Missing

A man is having problems with his dick which certainly had seen better times...
He consults a doctor which, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years, your dick is burned out; you won't be able to make love more than 30 times!" The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said. He tells her what the doc told him.
She says: "Oh my god, only 30 times! We should not waste that; we should make a list!"
He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home; sorry but your name is not on it!"

Old School Friend

I saw an old school friend today and he started bragging about his well paid job, his flashy expensive car and his enormous house. Then he took a photo out of his wallet, showed it to me and said, "That's my wife, isn't she beautiful?"
I looked it at and said, "If you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife." He said, "Why, is she a stunner?” I said, "No, she's a fucking optometrist!"