Newspaper Ad Looking for a Man

A woman places an ad in the local newspaper that reads:

Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed.
Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won't run away.” “What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts. Tim replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?!?”

Made for Each Other

A friend of mine had told me he signed up with one of these on-line dating services.  So, I asked him the other day if he had had any luck and he said he'd quit -- seems they'd matched him up with his wife!

Reasons For Being Stood Up

Reasons Dates Have Given For Standing Someone Up

• I showed up early and decided I just didn't feel like going out after all, so I went home before you arrived.
• My dog died.
• My neighbor's bird died, and I had to console my neighbor.
• I figured that probably wasn't your real picture, so I didn't bother coming over.
• I overslept.
• I took the wrong freeway exit and got lost, and after 40 minutes, I gave up, turned around, and went home.
• I know I said I'd be at home at 8:00 P.M., but I went out to a movie at 6:00 P.M. and had such a good time out after meeting some friends at the movie that I forgot all about our date and went out to dinner with them.
• I had the address, but forgot which city you lived in.
• Yesterday was the last day of my vacation, so I went two-stepping and ran into my ex there, and we fell in love again during a slow dance, so I can't date you any more, but I'd still like us to be friends.
• My roommate overdosed and I had to take him to the emergency room.