Feeling Sorry For Him

Two girls are having coffee when one notices that the other girl seemed troubled and asks her, "Is something bugging you? You look anxious."
"Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and life savings in the stock market," she explained.
"Oh, that's too bad," the other girl sympathized. "I'm sure you're feeling sorry for him."
"Yeah, I am," she said. "he's going to miss me!"

Weak

I don't know why I broke up with my girl at the gym.
Guess we just weren't working out.

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

Q: What do you call an ex-girlfriend with GPS capability?
A: A crazy bitch that will find you!