Ultimatum

My girlfriend told me if I join one more comedy group on the Internet, she’s going to leave me.  I’m really going to miss her.

Divorce Can Wait

A wife was having coffee with a girlfriend of hers when she confided to her, "Our marriage has never been that great, but this year has been the absolute worst between my husband and I. Harry often yells at me, criticizes me, puts me down, plus he never helps out with anything around the house, and I keep getting the feeling that he's screwing his secretary. I can't eat, I can't sleep, in fact, I've already lost eight pounds this month alone!" "Well, why don't you dump the bastard?" her friend asked. To which the wife replied, "Oh, I plan to do that, but first I want to get my weight down to 115 pounds."

Miss My Ex

I still miss my ex... but my aim is getting better!