Chasing Off Racoons

Sounds of crashing and banging in the middle of the night sent a woman and husband out to the garage. There they spotted three raccoons eating out of the cat dish. They shooed them away and went back to bed. Later that week they were driving home and the wife noticed three fat raccoons ambling down the road. "Do you think those are the same ones we chased off?" she asked. "Hard to tell," said her husband. "They were wearing masks."

Mute Man's Ideal Woman

A man asks his mute friend what he wants in a woman. The mute friend points to his head. His friend says, "Yes, intelligence is important." Then, the mute friend rubs his thumb on the palm of his hand. His friend nods and says, "Certainly a woman with money would be nice." Then, the mute friend opens his hands wide in front of him, cups his fingers and makes a bouncing motion. His friend looks at him strangely. "What the heck do you want a woman with arthritis for?"

Committing Adultery

Joe enters the confessional and tells the priest that he has committed adultery. "Oh, no," said the priest, thinking of the most promiscuous women in town. "Was it with Marie Brown?" "I'd rather not say who it was." "Was it with Betty Smith?" "I'd rather not say," says Joe. So the priest gives him absolution and Joe leaves. While leaving the church, Joe's friend asks if he received absolution. "Yes, and two very good leads!"