85 and 16

Jake is 85, and he gets married to a 16-year-old. He walks into the local bar when he gets back from his honeymoon, and all the guys want to hear about his wedding night. Jake says, "Well, when we got to the hotel, my youngest son carried me up the stairs, undressed me, and lifted me onto the bed with my bride, so she and I could spend the night together. The next morning all three of my sons came upstairs and lifted me off of her." The bartender says, "Why did it take three sons to get you off?" Jake says, "I fought 'em."

Wrong Finger

I saw my old girlfriend the other day and she had her wedding ring on the wrong finger.  When I pointed this out to her, she said, "I know, I married the wrong man!"

Facebook Update

My ex updated her status on Facebook to standing on the edge of a cliff.
So I poked her.