Taking Temperature

This guy took his nymphomaniac wife to the sex therapist for treatment. "This is one hot potato of a lady, doctor," he said, "Maybe you can do something for her? She goes for any man, any age, any time, anywhere and it is just driving me crazy with jealousy." 
"We'll see," the therapist said. He directed the wife into his examining room, closed the door behind her, and told her to get undressed. Then he told her to get up onto the examining table on her stomach. The moment he touched her buttocks, she began to squirm and moan. It was too much for him to resist, so he climbed up on top of her and began screwing her. The husband suddenly hears the moans and groans coming from the examination room. Very suspicious, he bursts into the room and is confronted by the sight of the doctor astride his wife and banging away.
"Doctor, what are you doing?!?" he asked. Flustered, the therapist replied,
"Oh, it's you! I'm only taking your wife's temperature!" The husband pulled out a large pocket knife and began to hone it deliberately on his sleeve.
"Well, doc," he said, "when you take that thing out, it better have numbers on it!"

Cut-Off

A woman attempted to cut off her husband's ding-a-ling. She missed and ended up cutting off his thigh. She went to jail and was charged with a misdaweiner.
 
 

Crossed to the Other Side

Just as the graveside service finished, there was a distant lightning bolt accompanied by a tremendous burst of rumbling thunder. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there and it's His problem now."