Male Translations

What a man really means:

•  "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" "Why isn't it already on the table?"
• "UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR" Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
• "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" "I have no idea how it works."
• "TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD." "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
• "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." "Are you still talking?"
• "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned.. but I forgot your birthday."
• "OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL." "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
• "HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING." "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
• "I CAN'T FIND IT." "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
• "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" "What did you catch me at?"
• "I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." "No one will ever see us alive again."
• "WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK." Translated: "I make the messes she cleans them up."

Hiring a Private Detective

A jealous husband hires a private detective to check up on his wife. The husband tells the detective, he wants both a written account and as many videos of her in any kind of compromising situations as the man can get.
Two weeks later the detective calls the man and tells him he has all the evidence he needs. They make an appointment for a meeting. The two of them are sitting there watching the videos. The man sees his wife meeting another man, then the two of them are walking in the park laughing. Another series shows her with a different man laughing and dancing. All together, he watches a dozen or so different activities, each with a different man, each time both she and the man are sharing obvious utter glee.
"Amazing," said the shocked husband, "simply amazing! I just can't believe it."
"What can't you believe?" asked the detective, "It's all right there for you to see, plus I have all the times and dates in my log."
"I know, I know!" said the man, still in shock, "I just can't believe my wife could be that much fun."

Joy Ride

Got caught joyriding last night.
Joy's husband went fucking crazy.