Cut-Off

A woman attempted to cut off her husband's ding-a-ling. She missed and ended up cutting off his thigh. She went to jail and was charged with a misdaweiner.
 
 

Crossed to the Other Side

Just as the graveside service finished, there was a distant lightning bolt accompanied by a tremendous burst of rumbling thunder. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there and it's His problem now."

Mugged

I got mugged by a thief last night on my way home from work. He pointing a knife at me and said, "Your money or your life!" I told him I was married so I have no money and I have no life.
We hugged and cried together. It was a beautiful moment.