36 Things You'll Never Hear From a Redneck

36 things you'll never hear from a Redneck...
1. "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"
2. "Duct tape won't fix that."
3. "Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken."
4. "We don't keep firearms in this house."
5. "You can't feed that to the dog."
6. "I thought Graceland was tacky."
7. "No kids in the back of the pick-up...it's not safe."
8. "Professional wresslin's fake."
9. "Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?"
10. "We're vegetarians."
11. "Do you think my hair is too big?"
12. "I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy."
13. "Honey, these bonsai trees need watering."
14. "I don't understand the appeal of NASCAR."
15. "Give me the small bag of pork rinds."
16. "Deer heads detract from the decor."
17. "Spitting is such a nasty habit."
18. "I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today."
19. "Trim the fat off that steak."
20. "Cappuccino tastes better than espresso."
21. "The tires on that truck are too big."
22. "I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad."
23. "I've got it all on a floppy disk."
24. "Unsweetened tea tastes better."
25. "Would you like your fish poached or broiled?"
26. "My fiance is registered at Tiffany's."
27. "I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl."
28. "She's too old to be wearing that bikini."
29. "Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?"
30. "Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen."
31. "I don't have a favorite college football team."
32. "Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side."
33. "I believe you cooked those green beans too long."
34. "Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla."
35. "Elvis who?"
36. "Checkmate"

Redneck One - Liners Continue

You might be a redneck if...

• Duct tape and wire are the only two things holding your truck together.
• Your bumper sticker reads "If you're missing your cat, look in my treads. "
• You think the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.
• You've ever parked your date next to a YIELD sign hoping she'd take the hint.
• Your kids learned to shoot before they learned to walk.
• You place a classified asking less than $1.
• You think the freeway is the back door of the movie theater.
• Higher math means counting over 10.
• The lake has to be restocked after you take a bath.
• You have a lucky rabbit's foot in your pocket and a lucky rabbit nailed above your fireplace

You Might Be A Redneck 50

You might be a redneck if...

• You think cur is a breed of dog.
• People hear your car long before they see it.
• Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
• Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.
• Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
• Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.
• Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".
• You've ever hitchhiked naked.
• You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.
• Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.