Women with Weapons

The media have grotesquely skewed the public image of women who choose to own firearms. Unfortunately, such exposure can affect one's self-image. This test is offered in the hopes of putting these false images into a more proper perspective.
Please circle your answers to each below:
1. What is the real meaning of that pink T-shirt with a revolver on it that says: "The ultimate in feminine protection" ?
a.. Obviously a plot by seditious gun fanatics from the NRA.
b. I'm amazed the pigs have no law banning women's T-Shirts.
c. A 9 mm for "light days" and a .44 Magnum for "heavy days".
2. For rape and assault prevention, a whistle is:
a.. All you'll ever need.
b.. Like I'd use yet another phallic symbol.
d.. The signal to open Fire.
3. The movie "Thelma & Louise" was:
a.. An insidious plot to stamp out femininity and glorify violence.
b.. A male ploy to encourage further suppression of women.
c.. A training film.
4. What was technically wrong with the scene in "Thelma & Louise" where the two women disarmed a Texas State Police Officer.
a. Tacky, tasteless, and altogether gauche I mean pointing guns; let alone taking his icky, disgusting gun for their own use.
b. Only thing I saw wrong was that it took two sisters to disarm only one man; not realistic at all.
c. The dummies left a perfectly good shotgun clamped to the dashboard of the cruiser.
5. A mouse runs across the kitchen floor. The proper response it to:
a. Climb onto a high stool and scream for a man to help you.
b.. Is it a male mouse or a female mouse ?
c. Link up the belt feed to the M-60.
6. You are discussing the local crime stats with your neighbor, Ralph, who suggests you buy a .25 caliber pistol for defense. You reply:
a. Never! A woman who buys a gun has humiliatingly surrendered to the evil ethos of mindless brute force!
b. Yeah, like I'm supposed to stand there and let old fat gut Ralph leer and drool like he usually does. Men are such pigs !
c. Only to plant in the dead hand of the next little weasel stupid enough to give me whimpy advice like that!
7. What is your reaction to the concept of a bra holster ?  
a. Obscene ! The icon of death with the symbol of nurturing.
b. What's a bra ?
c. As long as it doesn't get in the way of my shoulder sling.
8. Define "male."
a. The first syllable of "malevolence," which in turn is only one letter short of "male violence."
b. An animal with a one track mind. A brute who feels the need to try to control, suppress, double-talk all women everywhere.
c. A quaint anachronism, once useful for protection of females, but rendered obsolete by contemporary firepower.
9. Where, in the scheme of things defensive, do such spray products as Mace and CapStun belong?
a. Nowhere! If you just show your attacker compassion and understanding, you won't need nasty things like that.
b. Yet more products of questionable effect manufactured by the male dominated industrial complex to make women feel somewhat secure.
c. In the medicine cabinet; real women use mace instead of Feminique.
10. You are cornered in your home by a knife-wielding intruder. He ignores your command to halt, and charges you with the knife upraised. How many shots should you fire?
a. None. It would be better to die or submit than sacrifice moral victory by using deadly force. How unseemly and gauche.
b. As many as I had, assuming the male dominated firearms industry would sell me a gun; or let alone ammunition in the first place.
c. A minimum of fifty shots. Hey, how often do you get a chance like that to express yourself, and get in touch with your feelings?
Grading the Exam
* If 8 or more of your answers were "1": This indicates you're a true pacifist. Perhaps the meek will indeed inherit the earth someday, as it is written, but only when the rest of us are done with it.
* If 8 or more of your answers were "2": Hey babe -- you're stuck in the 60's sweetheart. Loosen up! A full 12.7% of you chicks have good jobs and make almost as much us men now. I mean like ... What more do you want outta us poor males ?
* If 8 or more of your answers were "3": Don't feel too bad. Society may not yet have a place for you, but Hollywood will, as soon as they start casting for the lead role in "Bride of Rambo".

Bill Of No Rights

Bill of No Rights by Lewis W. Napper:
We, the sensible of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden delusional, and other liberal, commie, pinko bedwetters. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights. You do not have the right to a new car, big-screen color TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything. You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be. You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all of your relatives independently wealthy. You do not have the right to free food and housing.  Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes. You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care. You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and kill you. You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure. You do not have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat. You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities in education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful. You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness -- which, by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those around you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

Acronyms for Clinton and His Administration

1. Clinton: (C)razed (L)ow-class (I)diot (N)ow (T)aking (O)ver (N)ation
2. Clinton: (C)razy (L)iberal (I)ntent (O)n (N)eedlessly (T)rashing (O)ur (N)ation
3. Clinton: (C)learly (L)oose (I)nternal (N)avigation (T)echniques (O)ccupy (N)ever-Neverland
4. Clinton: (C)ompulsive (L)iar (I)s (N)ation's (T)op (O)fficial (N)ow
5. Clinton: (C)omplete (L)oser (I)n (N)ow (T)errorizing (O)ur (N)ation
6. Hillary: (H)ighly (I)nexperienced (L)eft-liberal (A)cademic (R)ighteous (Y)uppies
7. Gore: (G)ennifer's (O)nly (R)emaining (E)nterprise
8. Gore: (G)reatly (O)riented to (R)adical (E)cology
9. Gore: (G)reat (O)ne (R)egulating (E)verything