Stupid Funny Quotes

1. "Things are more like they are now than they have ever been." --President Gerald Ford
2. "My fellow astronauts..."--Vice-President Dan Quayle, beginning a speech at an Apollo 11 anniversary celebration.
3. "Capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life." --Orrin Hatch, Senator from Utah, explaining his support of the death penalty.
4. "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." --Charles de Gaulle, ex-French President
5. "I stand by all the misstatements." --Dan Quayle, defending himself against criticism for making verbal gaffes
6. "Gerald Ford was a Communist" --Ronald Reagan in a speech. He later indicated he meant to say 'Congressman'.
7. "Outside of the killings, Washington D.C. has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington D.C.
8. "We found the term 'killing' too broad." --State Department spokesperson on why the word 'killing' was replaced with 'unlawful or arbitrary deprivation of life' in its human rights reports for 1984-5
9. "This is a great day for France!" --President Richard Nixon while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral
10. "This is the worst disaster in California since I was elected." --California Governor Pat Brown, discussing a local flood
11. "It's not listed in the Bible, but my spiritual gift, my specific calling from God, is to be a television talkshow host." --James Baker, televangelist.
12. "The chairs in the cabin are for the ladies. Gentlemen are not to make use of them till the ladies are seated." --Instructions posted in a river cruise ship, Suir River, Ireland.
13. "The exports include thumbscrews and cattle prods, just routine items for the police." --U.S. Commerce Department spokesman on a regulation allowing the export of various products abroad.
14. "What he does on his own time is up to him." --Harlon Copeland, Sheriff of Bexar County, Texas, when one of his deputies was caught exposing himself to a child.
15. "Facts are stupid things." --Ronald Reagan, misquoting John Adams in a speech to the Republican convention.

Mexican Fish

Q: What did the Mexican fish say when it swam into a wall?
A: Damn Trump

Politicians Cross the River

George W. Bush, Clinton, and Gore were all in heaven, and the angel said, "You must cross this river and we will judge how much you have sinned based on how far you sink."
Dubya goes first and gets up to his neck, but makes it across. He looks back and sees Al Gore walking on the water. He appeals to the angel saying, "He's sinned as much as I have, what gives?" The angel says, "He's standing on Clinton's shoulders!"