Excuses

I'D LOVE TO BUT:

• I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
• I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
• I have to floss my pets.
• I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
• I want to spend more time with my blender.
• I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
• I'm building a pig from a kit.
• I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
• I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
• I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
• .I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawal.
• I'm staying home to work on my mottled yogurt sculptures.
• I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
• I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
• I've got plans to go downtown to try on gloves.
• It's my parakeet's bowling night.
• My patent is pending.
• The nice man on television told me to say tuned.

WARNING: Puns Ahead!

• Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
• A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
• A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
• My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
• Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.
• Practice safe eating: always use condiments.
• I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
• A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
• Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
• I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
• I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
• If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
• A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
• Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
• A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
• Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
• Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome.
• Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
• Banning the bra was a big flop.
• Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
• Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
• A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
• A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
• Without geometry, life is pointless.
• When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
• Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
• Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
• When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

Confucius Say Collection

Confucius say...

• Woman who cooks beans and peas in same pot very unsanitary.
• Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
• Baseball very funny game--man with 4 balls no can walk!!
• Woman who dance while wearing jock strap have make believe ballroom.
• Man who fly plane upside down have crackup.
• Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
• Woman who ride bicycle in city pedal ass all over town.
• Secretary not permanent, till screwed on desk.
• A girl's best asset is her 'lie'ability.
• Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
• Man who run behind car get exhausted.
• Man who eat jellybean fart in technicolor.
• Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake with smelly finger.
• Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be shiftless bastard.
• Boy who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.
• Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
• Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down.
• Man with athletic finger make broad jump.
• Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.
• He who fishes in another man's well often catches crabs.
• Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss balloons.
• Man who lose key to apartment not get new key.
• He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.
• Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.
• Man who argue with wife all day get no peace at night.
• Man who is jacking into a peanut butter jar is fucking nuts.
• Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.
• He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.
• Elevator smell different to midget.
• Man who lay woman on ground have peace on earth.
• Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
• America Good Place to Put Chinese Restaurant.
• Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.
• When lady say no, she mean maybe.  When lady say maybe, she mean yes. When lady say yes, she no lady.
• Man who lay girl on hill not on level.
• He who rapes a man's daughter, draws and quarters his son, and buries his wife alive in an anthill should not expect to sit at that man's dinner table without the subject coming up.
• He who outruns the cheetah is fucking fast on his feet!
• Man who take lady on camping trip have one intent.
• Man who put head on railroad track get splitting headache.
• He who pull out too fast leave rubber behind.
• He who refuses to listen is lying.
• He who stands in corner with hands in pocket doesn't feel crazy, feels nuts.
• Woman who fly upside down have hairy crackup.
• Woman who not practice sex before marriage is sentenced to an indeterminate length.
• It take square ass to shit a brick.
• The hand that turneth the knob, opens the door.
• Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his own hands.
• He who stands on toilet seat is high on pot; and he who sniffs Coke, drowns.
• Lady who live in glass house, dress in basement!
• Man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead.
• Boy who play with himself pulls boner.
• Man who sleeps with old hen finds it's better than pullet.
• Man who put foot in mouth get athlete's tongue.
• Man who put face in punchbowl get punch in nose.
• Man who fall in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
• Butcher who back into meat grinder get a little behind in his orders.