Stupid Funny Quotes

1. "Things are more like they are now than they have ever been." --President Gerald Ford
2. "My fellow astronauts..."--Vice-President Dan Quayle, beginning a speech at an Apollo 11 anniversary celebration.
3. "Capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life." --Orrin Hatch, Senator from Utah, explaining his support of the death penalty.
4. "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." --Charles de Gaulle, ex-French President
5. "I stand by all the misstatements." --Dan Quayle, defending himself against criticism for making verbal gaffes
6. "Gerald Ford was a Communist" --Ronald Reagan in a speech. He later indicated he meant to say 'Congressman'.
7. "Outside of the killings, Washington D.C. has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington D.C.
8. "We found the term 'killing' too broad." --State Department spokesperson on why the word 'killing' was replaced with 'unlawful or arbitrary deprivation of life' in its human rights reports for 1984-5
9. "This is a great day for France!" --President Richard Nixon while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral
10. "This is the worst disaster in California since I was elected." --California Governor Pat Brown, discussing a local flood
11. "It's not listed in the Bible, but my spiritual gift, my specific calling from God, is to be a television talkshow host." --James Baker, televangelist.
12. "The chairs in the cabin are for the ladies. Gentlemen are not to make use of them till the ladies are seated." --Instructions posted in a river cruise ship, Suir River, Ireland.
13. "The exports include thumbscrews and cattle prods, just routine items for the police." --U.S. Commerce Department spokesman on a regulation allowing the export of various products abroad.
14. "What he does on his own time is up to him." --Harlon Copeland, Sheriff of Bexar County, Texas, when one of his deputies was caught exposing himself to a child.
15. "Facts are stupid things." --Ronald Reagan, misquoting John Adams in a speech to the Republican convention.

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Chemistry One - Liners

Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium and just couldn't put it down?
 
Q: What's the formula for water?
A: -H-two-O
 
Q: What's the formula for an ice cube?
A: -H-two-O-CUBED
 
Q: What do you get when you combine Al Gore with O2?
A: Oxymoron The best chemists would definitely not be pet owners. Their idea of a catalyst: 2 bags of cat litter 3 cans of cat food 1 can of flea powder 1 collar
 
Q: How do you get lean molecules?
A:Feed them titrations.
 
Q: And why does a white bear melt in water?
A: Because it's polar. Did you hear about the industrialist who had a huge chloroform spill at his factory? His business went insolvent.
 
Q: What's the most important thing to learn in chemistry?
A: Never lick the spoon.