The Height of Being Hard-Up

Q: Do you know what the height of being hard-up is?
A: Two old ladies in an asparagus patch doing knee bends!

Grandmother Too

Grandmother and granddaughter were in the bank when three bank robbers walked in and held it up. "All the ladies down on the floor," one handsome robber commanded. "My grandmother too?" the little girl asked. "Yes, your grandmother too!" "All the ladies on the floor, pull up your dresses." "My grandmother too?" "Yes, your grandmother too! All ladies will now remove their panties." "Surely you don't mean my grandmother too?" asked the little girl. Becoming angry, the handsome robber shouted, "YES, YOUR GRANDMOTHER TOO! Now, all the ladies on the floor are to spread their legs apart." When the little girl started to ask if her grandmother was included, her grandmother snarled, "YOU HEARD WHAT THE MAN SAID!"

Witch Story

He was a junior bank executive and he had swindled one hundred thousand dollars from his bank - all of which he'd lost at the races. The bank examiners were coming the next day, and when he confessed the whole thing to his wife, she packed her bags and left him.
Totally despondent, he walked to a nearby bridge and stood at the edge of it about to jump off and end it all. Suddenly a voice called, "Young man, don't do that! There is no need to end your life! I'm a witch and I can help you!"
"I doubt it," he said sadly, "I've stolen a hundred thousand dollars from the bank, for which I'll probably be arrested tomorrow, and my wife has left me."
"Young man, witches can do anything," she said. "I'm going to perform a witch miracle. "She said, "ALAKAZAM! The hundred thousand dollars has been replaced and there's another hundred thousand in your safe deposit box! ALAKAZAM! Your wife is back home again!"
He looked at her in disbelief, "Is this all true?" he asked.
"Of course," she said, "But to keep it true you must do one thing."
"Anything!" he said, "Anything!"
"You must take me to a motel and make passionate love to me."
He stared at her. She was an ugly old crone- as ugly as they could be, dressed in rags. Nevertheless, he agreed to her terms. He took her to a motel and made love to her all night.
In the morning, as he was getting dressed and combing his hair in front of the mirror, she lay on the bed watching silently. Finally, she asked, "Sonny, how old are you?"
"I'm thirty-two," he said.
"Tell me something, then," she said. "Aren't you a little too old to believe in witches?"