Early Warning

Q: How can you tell when you're getting old?
A: You start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

Grandma Time

When I was a little boy I felt bad that my Grandmother lived alone and had no one to spend her time with.  One day when I was visiting her I asked, "Grandma, why don't you have a boyfriend?" to which she replied, "Well I don't need one honey, because the TV is my boyfriend.  You see, she continued, when I want company he's there for me, or when I need to laugh, or learn about the world, I have him, and when I just want to hear his voice as I fall asleep, he's there for me then too, its all I need. The TV is the best boyfriend I could ask for."  Suddenly the TV went static and I saw the look of concern on her face, she got up from her bed and started banging on the side of it, in effort to get the picture to come back. Just then the doorbell rang, it was her parish priest coming to check on her. He asked me "Is your Grandmother available son?" I said to him, "You'll have to give her a minute, she's in the bedroom banging her boyfriend"

Bert's New Golf Shoes

Bert is 85 years old and always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Fred Couples wore on his tour.   So, seeing a pair on sale after his round, he bought them. He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the Mrs. Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret at age 83, looked him over and replied, "Nope."
Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?" Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "Bert, what's  different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and  it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
“IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!”
Without missing a beat old Margaret replies, "You shoulda bought a new hat!"