Parlor Trick

Q: How do you get a 90 year old lady to yell fuck?
A: Get another 90 year old to yell "BINGO!"

A Final Diagnosis

Thought I'd let my doctor check me, 'cause I didn't feel quite right. All those aches and pains annoyed me, and I couldn't sleep at night.
He could find no real disorder, but he wouldn't let it rest. What, with Medicare and Blue Cross, we would do a couple tests.
To the hospital he sent me, though I didn't feel that bad. He arranged for them to give me every test that could be had.
I was fluoroscoped and cystoscoped, my aging frame displayed. Stripped, on an ice cold table, while my gizzards were x-rayed.
I was checked for worms and parasites, for fungus and the crud, while they pierced me with long needles, taking samples of my blood.
Doctors came to check me over, probed and pushed and poked around. And to make sure I was living, they then wired me for sound.
They have finally concluded. Their results have filled a page. What I have will someday kill me; My affliction is old age.

Don't Forget!

An 80-year-old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that." She then said, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down 'cause I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well, I'd also like whipped cream on top. I know you'll forget that so you'd better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then went fuming into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said, "You forgot my toast."