Getting Older

Three old ladies are discussing the trials of getting older. One says, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and I can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich."  The second lady chimes in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."  The third one responds, "Well, I'm sure glad I don’t have that problem, knock on wood."  She raps her knuckles on the table, then she says, "That must be the door, I'll get it."

Bathroom Troubles

Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps." The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps." Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."

Wishes Granted

An old woman is sitting in a rocking chair on her porch, petting her cat Foo Foo. A fairy appears and says, "I'm here to grant you three wishes." The old woman says, "I wish I was twenty years old and beautiful again." Poof! She is. "Now I wish I had a million dollars and this old house was a mansion." Poof! Done. "And now I wish that Foo Foo was the handsomest man ever and deeply in love with me." Poof! Suddenly she's in the arms of a gorgeous man. He kisses her and says, "Darling, aren't you sorry you had me fixed?"