Healthy Insanity for Retirement

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses and point a hair dryer at passing cars
2. On all your check stubs, write, 'For Marijuana'
3. Skip down the street rather than walk and see how many looks you get
4. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat - be serious about it
5. Sing along at the opera
6. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won, I won"
7. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot while yelling, "Run for your lives! They're loose!"
8. Tell your children over dinner: "Due to the economy, we're going to have to let one of you go"
9. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.
10. Go to a department store fitting room and yell, "There's no toilet paper in here"

Croaking Grandpa

There were three little boys visiting their grandparents. The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, "Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpappy?" Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, "No, I don't really want to make the sound of a frog now". So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, "Will you please make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa again says, "No, not now. I don't really want to do that. I'm in a grumpy mood. Maybe later." Then the third little boy comes out and says, "Grandpa, oh please, please, please will you make a sound like a frog?" "Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa asked. The little boy replied with a hopeful face, "Well, Mom said that when you croak we get to go to Disney World!"

No Pants

A man is walking down the street, when he notices that his grandfather is sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" the man exclaims. The old man looks off in the distance and does not answer his grandson. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asks again. The old man slyly looks at him and says, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"