Sure Sign That You're Broke

1. American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
3. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
4. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
5. Long distance companies don't call you to switch.
6. You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
7. You rob Peter...and then rob Paul.
8. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
9. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
10. Your bologna has no first name.
11. You give blood everyday...just for the orange juice.
12. Sally Struthers sends you food.
13. McDonald's supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
14. At communion you go back for seconds.

Scottish, English and Irish Wives

A Scottish wife, an English wife, and an Irish wife were all talking about how they never had enough money to go shopping. All of a sudden, the English wife had an idea.
"I know! We can take off our underwear, and then when our husbands notice, we can say we don't have enough money even for knickers!" Everybody thought this was a good idea, so they went home to try it. When the English wife's husband noticed, he gave her 200 pounds to go shopping with. When the Irish wife's husband noticed, he gave her his credit card. The next day, they all three met up to discuss how it went. The Irish wife and the English wife were all dressed up in their new clothes, but the Scottish wife was still in rags. The other two demanded to know what had happened. "Well," said the Scottish wife. "As I was gardening, I bent over to show him I wasn't wearing any undies. But when he saw, he gave 40p to get a comb!"

Insulting in Banks

How to be Insulting in Banks: Put your old sandwiches into the night safe pouch and complain by letter when it's returned to you empty.