Appeal a Case

Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly discovered evidence."
Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"
Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."

Military Measurement Payments

The pentagon said they had too many generals running around, so they decided to get rid of some of them. They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body -- to be measured however they chose. The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from his head to his toe. He was 69 inches. He received $690,000. Next up was the Army general. He wanted to be measured from the tip of his finger to the tip of his other finger. It was 80 inches. He received $800,000. The two generals were very happy with their earnings. Finally the Marine general came up. He said he wanted to be measured from the tip of his dick to the tip of his balls. The man said, ''Sir, do you know how much the other generals received?'' The general said no. ''Sir, they received $690,000 and $800,000 respectively, are you sure that is what you want measured?'' The general said, ''Just do it!'' The man dropped the general's pants and measured his dick. When he went for the general's balls, they weren't there. The man said, ''Sir, where are your balls.'' The general said, ''I left them back in Vietnam.''

Bank Robbery

Three robbers break into a bank, but when they open the safe, there's no money, only boxes. One robber opens a box and finds cups full of yogurt. "We didn't find any money, but we got something to eat," he tells his partners. They eat their fill and leave. The next morning's newspaper reads: "World's Largest Sperm Bank Robbed."