Pre-Declined

The recession is getting so bad, the bank sent me a new type of credit card. It was pre-declined.

Bum Asking for Money

A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum said, "No." The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

Fire and Theft Insurance

The other day my house caught fire. The insurance agent said, "Shouldn't be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?"
I said, "Fire and theft."
Insurance agent frowned. "Uh oh. Wrong kind. You should have fire OR theft."
Apparently, the only way I can make a claim with this coverage is if the house is robbed while it's burning down.