Money to Buy Meat

One day, a wife goes up to her husband and asks for twenty dollars to buy meat. "Are you crazy?" says the husband, who pulls her over to a mirror. "Let me show you something? This twenty-dollar bill is mine. The one in the mirror is yours. Get it?" The wife nods. The next day, the husband returns home to find a freezer full of meat. Angry, he asks his wife about it. She pulls him over to the mirror and lifts up her skirt. "See the one in the mirror? That's yours. This one is the butcher's."

Late Payment Letter

Gentlemen:
I have just received your letter in regards to the bill I owe you. You said the bill should have been paid long ago and you don't understand why it wasn't. Well, I will enlighten you.

• In 1957 I bought a sawmill on credit.
• In 1959 I bought an ox team, a timber cart and two ponies; a shotgun, a wine tester, a Colt revolver and five razorback hogs all on credit.
• In 1960 the sawmill burned down. One of my ponies died and the other I loaned to a son-of-a-bitch who starved him to death.
• In 1961 my father died and my mother was hung for horse rustling. A mechanic named Joe knocked up my daughter and I had to pay the doctor $88.32 to keep the bastard from becoming a relative of mine.
• In 1963 my son had the mumps and they went down on him; the doctor had to castrate him to save his life. That summer I went fishing and the boat turned over and I lost the biggest catfish you ever saw, and one of my sons drowned (not the castrated one).
• In 1966 my wife ran away with another feller and left me with the three small children as a souvenir. I married the hired girl to keep down expenses, but I had trouble getting her off, and the doctor told me to try to create some excitement just as she was beginning to get aroused. That night I pointed the shotgun out the window while we were in bed and just as she was beginning to orgasm I pulled the trigger. Well, she shit the bed, I ruptured myself and killed the best damn milk cow I ever had.
• The next year my troubles really started. My wife caught the clap from the ice man, my son wiped his ass with a corn cob with poison ivy on it, and someone de-nutted my best bull.
• In 1970 I decided to go into another business on my own. I ordered six bee hives from Sears, Roebuck, and Company. I bought a swarm of bees and a queen bee all on credit on the installment plan. The queen bee died and I ordered another one. She turned out to be a whore and started running around with a horsefly. The honey tasted like shit so I couldn't sell it.

So now, gentlemen, you say if I do not pay you, you will cause me trouble. Right now if it costs two cents to shit, I'd have to puke. Getting money out of me would be like trying to poke butter up a wildcat's ass with a hot trowel, but you are welcome to try.
Yours for more credit,
Max

Home Alone Children

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
St. Paul, MN  The hit movie "Home Alone" about a boy thwarting burglars with imaginative mayhem, wasn't total fantasy. Just ask the guy who tried to break in while 13-year-old Ryan Hendrickson was home alone.
Ryan was watching television Wednesday night when he heard a noise that sounded like a window screen being cut.
"I ran to the closet and grabbed a bat," Ryan said Thursday. "I went into the dining room, where I saw him cutting the window with a knife. He put his left hand in first and I was waiting for his right hand to come in and I took the baseball bat and I hit him as hard as I could."
The man ran. Ryan called 911. Police, while cautioning Ryan to call 911 first next time, did enjoy the fact that the kid got in the first lick against a bad guy.