Don't Say To Security

The Top 10 Things You Should Not Say To A Security Guard When Caught Stealing Coins From A Mall Fountain

1. "Isn't there a robbery at the Orange Julius you should be investigating?"
2. "I'm searching for a hard to find 1998 nickel."
3. "DUH!! The Gap is having a sale!"
4. "Did you know that it now costs 35 cents to make a phone call?"
5. "Thanks idiot... I had just made a wish that I could clean the fountain out and not get caught! Way to ruin that wish!!"
6. "Have you seen that really cool gumball machine in the food court? It rolls down a spiral ramp!"
7. "I'm at the last level of Mortal Kombat IV and I need another quarter."
8. "I'm trying to match the exact amount of your worthless paycheck you Barney Fife wannabe!"
9. "See..I need a quarter to make a phone call to my Kleptomaniacs Anonymous sponsor and that's why I'm stealing the quarters in the fountain. I NEED HELP MAN!!!"
10. "I'm looking for beer money"

Exotic Male Strip Club

Three ladies go to an exotic male strip club. One friend pulls out a $10 bill, licks it and sticks it on a stripper's left butt cheek. Not to be outdone, the second friend pulls out a $50 bill, licks it and sticks it to his right butt cheek. The third friend pulls out her ATM card, swipes it down his crack, grabs the $60 and goes home.

The Clintons Take a Trip

Hillary Clinton, Chelsea Clinton, and Bill Clinton are sitting in a helicopter and Bill starts to think. He sits there for about 15 minutes and finally Hillary asks why he is looking so sad.
He says, "I just was wondering what I could do for the poor countries."
"Well " says Chelsea, "you could throw $100,000 out the window of the helicopter. I'm sure that the poor will get some of it." He agrees that it's a good idea and he does.
About 5 minutes later he starts thinking again. Hillary asks, "Why do you still look so sad? You just threw $100,000 out the window of the helicopter. That helped a lot of poor people."
He says, "I still feel like I didn't do enough."
She says, "Well, Bill, why don't you throw another $100,000 out the window? That should make a lot of people happy." Again he says it's a good idea and he does.
A few moments later and again he looks unhappy and he says, "I still don't think I've done enough."
This time the helicopter pilot pipes up and says "Why don't you throw yourself out the goddamn window... that will make everyone in America happy."