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Money Jokes
Old Lady At The Bank
A little old lady walked into the head branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank holding a large paper bag. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the 3 million she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though, she wished to meet the president of Chase Manhattan Bank due to the amount of money involved. The teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and after opening the paper bag and seeing the bundles of 1,000 bills which amounted to right around 3 million, telephoned the bank's secretary to obtain an appointment for the lady. The lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made and she stated that she would like to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank president then asked her where she came into such a large amount of money. "Was it an inheritance?" he asked. "No." she answered. "Was it from playing the stock market?" "No." she replied. He was quiet for a minute, trying to think of where this little old lady could possibly come into 3 million. "I bet." she stated. "You bet?" repeated the bank president. "As in horses?" "No." she replied, "I bet people." Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bets on different things with different people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10:00 o'clock tomorrow morning, your balls will be square."The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't see how he could lose. For the rest of the day, the bank president was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances; there was $25,000 at stake. When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no difference- he looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the little old lady to come in at 10:00 o'clock, humming as he went. He knew this would be a good day- how often do you get handed $25,000 for doing nothing. At 10:00 o'clock sharp the little old lady was shown into his office. With her was a younger man. When he inquired as to the man's purpose for being there, she informed him that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was this much money involved. "Well," she asked, "what about our bet?" "I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I am the same as I've always been only $25,000 richer." The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The bank president thought this was reasonable and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over and then grabbed a hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine. The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer standing across the room banging his head against the wall. "What' wrong with him?" he inquired. "Oh him," she replied, "I bet him $100,000 that by 10:00 o'clock this morning that I'd have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."
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Bank Robber
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Los Angeles Times, December 9: A man walked into a branch of the Antelope Valley Bank and handed a teller a note demanding money. The man had one hand in his pocket, as if holding a gun, so the teller began handing over the contents of her cash drawer. When she had forked over $7,000 the robber said, "That's enough" and walked out the door. It's hard to find a bank robber who knows when he's had enough.
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The Perfect Husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Man: "Hello"
Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
Man: "Yes"
Woman: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
Man: "How much?"
Woman: "$80,000."
Man: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
Woman: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
Man: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
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