Army Officer

Q: What do you get when an army officer puts his nose to the grindstone?
A: A sharp major.

Army Job

Q: What is the most boring job in the Army?
A: Drill Sergeant.

Army Wisdom

• A Purple Heart proves three things: you were smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
• 10 second fuses only last 7 seconds.
• Anything you do can get you shot, even doing nothing.
• Clay-mores are labeled "This side toward enemy" for a reason.
• Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.
• Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever, ever volunteer to do anything.
• Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire. If it's stupid but works, it really isn't stupid.
• If the enemy is in range, so are you.
• If the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is *not* our friend.
• If you can't remember, the clay-more is pointed at you.
• If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
• Incoming fire has the right of way.
• It is generally unadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.
• Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
• Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
• Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.
• Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
• Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
• The easy way is always mined.
• The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions: A) When you're not ready for them. B) When you're ready for them. Either time is inconvenient and generally a bummer.
• The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
• The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.
• Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo. When in doubt empty the magazine.