Remarkable Mom

The most remarkable thing about our mother is that for 30 years she served our family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.

Semantics

Q: What did the boy say when his Mom told him to stop pulling the cat’s tail?
A: I’m just holding it. It’s the cat that’s doing the pulling.

8 Ways You Know Santa Hates Your Kid

8. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"
7. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes
6. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling.
5. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left is foam packing.
4. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.
3. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the stupid list
2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown."
1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"