Christmas Party Warning

A warning to all you drivers, be careful about drunk driving as we're getting close to Christmas and Police are out there checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyzer tests. Because I was in a Bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from.

Santa Love

Dear Friends, I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year, and since you have I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem. The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers-piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird shit. On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January. Maybe next year I will be able to get my shit together and bring you the things you want. This year I suggest you get your asses down to Walmart before everything is gone.
Love,
Santa

Dogs Rules For Christmas

1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.
2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.
3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.
4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:
   a. Don't pee on the tree
   b. Don't drink water in the container that holds the tree
   c. Mind your tail when you are near the tree
   d. If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open
   e. Don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree
5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part:
   a. Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans
   b. Don't eat off the buffet table
   c. Beg for goodies subtly
   d. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa
   e. Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach
6. 6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important:
   a. Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. (4a is particularly important)
   b. Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house
   c. Tolerate children
   d. Turn on your charm big time
7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. Don't bite him!