Santa Love

Dear Friends, I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year, and since you have I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem. The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers-piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird shit. On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January. Maybe next year I will be able to get my shit together and bring you the things you want. This year I suggest you get your asses down to Walmart before everything is gone.
Love,
Santa

Fashion Luck

I know I don't keep up with current fashion, but I didn't think my clothes were that outdated until I went to a Halloween party to pick up my wife and won first prize in the fancy dress contest for my Victorian gentleman costume.

Season's Greetings!

Money's short, times are hard. Here's your fucking Christmas card.
T'was the night before Christmas and all through the house, everybody felt shitty, even the mouse.
Mum at the whorehouse and dad smoking grass, I'd just settled down for a nice piece of ass.
When out on the lawn I heard such a clatter, I sprung from my piece to see what was the matter.
Then out on the lawn I saw a big dick, I knew in a moment It must be Saint Nick.
He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell, sure enough, the fucker had fell.
He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer and a big rubber dick for my brother, the Queer.
He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart, the son of a bitch blew the chimney apart!
He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight, piss on you all and have a hell of a night.