Watch Where You Step

A guy walks into a store. He goes up to the clerk and holds up his hand. In his hand he's holding a big pile of crap. He looks at the clerk with the biggest expression of relief and says, ''Whew, that was close. Look what I almost stepped in."

Brown In The Forest

Q: What's brown and sits in the forest?
A: Winnie's pooh.

Nose Picking Glossary

• THE KIDDIE PICK... When you're by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is, there's no time limit!
• CAMOUFLAGED KIDDIE PICK... When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.
• FAKE NOSE SCRATCH... When you make believe you've got an itch but you're really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.
• MAKING A MEAL OUT OF IT... You do it so furiously, and for so long, you're probably entitled to dessert.
• SURPRISE PICKINGS... When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurtling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.
• AUTO PICK... The kind you do in a car, when no one's looking.
• PICK YOUR BRAINS... Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.
• PICK AND SAVE... When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don't catch on to what you did.
• PICK AND ROLL... No explanation needed.
• PICK AND FLICK... Ditto.
• PICK AND STICK... You wanted it to be a "Pick and Flick," but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.
• PAY DIRT... The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.