Products We Could Do Without

• Fingernail Clippers: That's why we have teeth.
• Makeup That is Tattooed On: You might love that green eyeliner now, but what about when you're fifty?
• Colored Elastics For Braces: As if the braces didn't make your mouth stand out enough.
• Inflatable Furniture: Nothing boosts the ego more than sitting on a couch and popping it.
• Crayons That Smell: Oh, good, let's give kids another reason to eat them.
• Fake Eyelashes:  You shouldn't be able to braid your eyelashes.
• The Epilady:  Pulling hair out by the roots is masochistic.
• Those Crocheted Kleenex Box Covers: Kleenex does not get chilly.
• Rubber Clothing: Because you shouldn't bounce if you fall down the stairs.
• Doggie Sweaters: Fido is not Mr. Rogers, nor does he want to be Mr. Rogers.
• Thong underwear: Nothing leads to insanity faster than a perpetual wedgie.

Ten Signs You've Eaten Too Much

10. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you.
9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.
8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis.
7. Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet.
6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.
5. World's fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to "back off!"
4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else.
3. Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department.
2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.
1. You're sweating gravy.

Converted

Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street, when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign that says, “Convert to Catholicism and Get $10.” One of the men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, “Abner, what’s going on?” “Caleb,” replies Abner, “I’m thinking of doing it.” After a moment, Abner decides. He strides into the church. He comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed. “So,” asks Caleb, “did you get your ten dollars?” Abner looks up at him and says, “Is that all you people think about?”