Time Please

A tourist walking through Cairo asks the time from an old man standing next to a camel. The old man grabs the camel’s balls lifts them up and says, “It is now noon.” The tourist is very impressed. He goes back to his hotel and tells a fellow guest that he’s met an old man who can tell the time by the weight of his camel’s balls. Next day both of them go to the man and ask him the time. The old man lifts the camel’s balls and says, “It is half past nine.” This is correct, and the two tourists go back to the hotel and tell a third guest of their discovery. Next day all three go to the old man to ask the time and, again, the old man obliges by feeling the camel’s balls. “Say,” says the first tourist. “That’s such a great trick. Can you teach me how to do it?” “Certainly,” says the old man. “First you must grasp the testicles of the camel…” The tourist does so. “Then you must raise them to the belly of the camel…” the tourist does so. “Then you must part the two testicles with your thumbs…” The tourist does so. “And in this way we have clear view of the big clock in the tobacco shop’s window…”

Custer's Last Thoughts

The curator of an art gallery asked an artist for a painting depicting General Custer's last thoughts. Two weeks later, the artist unveiled the painting, an enormous canvas with a lovely blue lake painted in its center, with a fish leaping from the water with a shining halo around its head. On the shores of the lake were the most detailed pictures of Indians fornicating. After gazing at the painting for some time, the enraged curator demanded to know what the theme was supposed to be. The artist said, "You asked for a painting of Custer's last thoughts," he explained. "That's it. Custer was thinking, 'Holy mackerel, where did all those fucking Indians come from?'"

Ever Wonder?

• Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish sandwich and I realize, Oh my God...I could be eating a slow learner!"- Lynda Montgomery
• "If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."- Johnny Carson
• "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."- Paul Rodriguez
• And from George Carlin...If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
• If a no-armed man has a gun, is he armed?
• If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
• If you put a slinky on an escalator, would it go forever?
• If all babies are cute why are there so many ugly people in the world?
• What's another word for thesaurus?
• Why do they have Braille number pads at drive-through bank machines?
• Is it ok to go door-to-door selling "No Soliciting" signs?
• Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
• If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
• If talk is cheap, why is my mobile phone bill so high?
• Should bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?
• Did the early settlers ever go on camping trips?
• How can a person get a life sentence & be eligible for parole in 15 years?