Notification Regarding Language

It has been brought to our attention that some individuals have been using foul language during the execution of their duties. Due to complaints from managers who are more easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do realize, however, the importance of staff being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with other employees. With this in mind, the Human Resources Department has compiled a list of code phrases so proper exchange of ideas/information can continue in an effective manner without risking offence to our more sensitive brethren. Old Phrase - New Phrase

1. No fucking way - I'm fairly sure that this is not feasible.
2. You're fucking joking - Really
3. Tell someone who gives a fuck - Have you run that by..........
4. No cunt told me - I was not involved in that project
5. I don't have the fucking time - Perhaps I can work late
6. Who fucking cares? - Are you sure that is the problem?
7. Eat shit and die. - You don't say
8. Eat shit and die motherfucker. - You don't say, Sir
9. Kiss my ass - So you would like me to help you?
10. He's a fucking prick. - He is somewhat insensitive
11. That's fucking bullshit - I find that hard to believe
12. You haven't got a fucking clue - You could benefit from more training
13. This place is fucked - We are a little disorganized today
14. What sort of fucker are you? - You're new here aren't you?
15. Fuck off shit head - Well there you go
16. You're a fucking wanker - You're my manager and I respect you
17. Ha! Fuck you - I wasn't there that day
18. This is bollocks - We need to look into this some more
19. I ain't got no cunt - I am rather short of labor
20. Fuck off - I'll look into that and get back to you

Melon Love

Q: Which melon will never run away to get married?
A: Cantaloupe

The F Word

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language is the word "Fuck." It is the one magical word, which, just by it's sound describes pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language, "Fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an active verb (Mary doesn't really give a fuck); or an adverb (Mary is really fucking interested in John); and as a noun, (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful). As you see, there are very few words with the versatility of "Fuck." Besides It's sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations: It can be used in an anatomical description - "He's a fucking asshole." It can be used to tell time - "It's five fucking thirty." It can be used in business - "How did I end up with this fucking job?" It can be maternal - as in "Motherfucker."

Valuable Vocabulary Chart:
Greetings: "How the fuck are you?"
Fraud:"I got fucked by the car dealer."
Dismay: "Oh, fuck it."
Trouble: "Hell, I guess I'm fucked now."
Aggression: "Fuck you."
Disgust: "Fuck me."
Confusion: "What the fuck...?"
Difficulty: "I don't understand this fucking business."
Despair: "Fucked again."
Exasperation: "For fuck's sake."
Enjoyment: "This is fucking great."
Hostility: "I'm going to knock your fucking head off."
Stupidity: "Geir Bergerud is a Fuckwad!"
Incompetence: "He's such a fuck-up."
Ignorance: "Fuck if I know."
Displeasure: "What the fuck is going on here?"
Lost: "Where the fuck are we?"
Disbelief: "Unfuckingbelievable!"
Retaliation: "Up your fucking ass."
Surprise: "Fuckin A!"
Surprise: "Well, I'll be fucked."
Suspicion: "What the fuck are you doing?"
Contempt: "Fuck you and the horse you rode in on!"