Life's Lessons

Some lessons learned in life: Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
People who want to share their religious veiws with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
You should not confuse your career with your life, because if you have a career that probably means you have no life.
No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
Never lick a steak knife.
Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

Ant Family

Q: Why were all the baby ants confused?
A: Because all their Uncles were Ants (Aunts)

Looking for Love

After 29 years of marriage, Joe and Diane were lying in bed one evening, when Diane felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck slowly worked his hands down over her breasts stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the upper most portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch TV. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "That was wonderful, why did you stop?"
Joe said "I found the remote".