How To Be Annoying (A Guide)

• Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
• Drum on every available surface.
• Staple papers in the middle of the page.
• Ask 800 operators for dates.
• Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
• Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
• Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
• Set alarms for random times.
• Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
• Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
• Honk and wave to strangers.
• Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
• Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
• Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
• Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
• ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
• only type in lowercase.
• dont use any punctuation either.
• Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
• Pay for your dinner with pennies.
• Repeat everything someone says as a question.
• Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
• Light road flares on a birthday cake.
• Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
• Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
• Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
• At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
• As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
• Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
• Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
• Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
• Drive half a block.
• Name your dog "Dog."
• Ask people what gender they are.
• Reply to everything someone says with "That's what YOU think."
• Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
• Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".
• Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes."
• Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
• Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad."
• While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
• Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
• Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
• Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
• Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
• Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
• Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
• Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
• Wear a LOT of cologne.
• Ask to "interface" with someone.
• Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
• Sing along at the opera.
• Mow your lawn with scissors.
• At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata- hWING-batter!"
• Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
• Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
• Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture".
• Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
• Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
• Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
• Never make eye contact.
• Never break eye contact.
• Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
• Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
• Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
• Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
• Make appointments for the 31st of September.
• Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
• Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.

The Missing Case

Dr. Watson is late for his flight because a man is sitting on his luggage.
Sherlock Holmes is on the case.

Eyes and Ears Everywhere

A guy named Bob is traveling by Amtrak with two strangers sitting close to him. He is trying to sleep, but those guys were speaking loudly for a very long time heavily criticizing George Bush, the war in Iraq, corruption, unemployment, etc. So Bob, in an attempt to force the guys to stop talking and let him sleep, tells them as a joke, that there is a new total control system developed by the FBI that spies upon all citizens, and there are lots of listening devices everywhere, so that anyone criticizing the government would be severely punished. This didn't have any effect on those guys, moreover they just laughed at Bob, and carried on and on, saying even more rude jokes about George Bush and the government. Finally, close to 3:00 am, Bob goes to the restroom, and runs into the train conductor. Bob asks the conductor to bring him some water and sleeping pills at exactly 3:00 a.m. He goes back to his place and says loudly into the base of his seat, so that talkative guys could hear him: "If the FBI director can hear me: could you please bring me a glass of water and some sleeping pills at 3:00 a.m., because there are some idiots here who are speaking too loudly about some political issues and won't let me sleep." The guys continue talking. Exactly at 3:00 am, the door opens and the conductor comes out, and gives Bob the water and some sleeping pills. The guys are shocked and finally stop talking. Bob is happy and manages to fall asleep... When he wakes in the morning, the talkative guys are no where to be found. Out of curiosity he asks the conductor about them, (also remembering that there shouldn't have been any stops at night). The conductor replies that some people in black suits stopped the train and arrested those guys. Bob is completely shocked and surprised and asks about why he was not arrested. The conductor answers that he doesn't have a clue but one of the guys in black suits said that the director of the FBI liked Bob's joke about the water and pills.