Time Check

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About three hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey. Bill, follow that guy and see what he does. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."
A little while later. Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, what did he do when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your wife!"

The Bar Exam

Once upon a time there was a 98-year old woman whose billionaire husband died. The woman had inherited all of her deceased husband's fortune and decided she would see if she could remarry herself a fine young man. So, she walked into a bar and announced to all the men that she had inherited billions of dollars and would marry the guy with the biggest dick. Now of course this woman wasn't all that in the looks department, as a matter of fact she looked more like a shriveled prune then a human being, however, the guys didn't care. They knew this old lady would croak soon and they would get all that money. The woman then told the men to stiff themselves up to full erection and lay their dicks on a long table. They did what she said. All of a sudden, two gay guys walked into the bar, looked at the table and said "Mmmm! A buffet!"

The good, bad, and ugly!

• Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
• Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
• Ugly: You're in them

• Good: Your husband understands fashion
• Bad: He's a cross-dresser
• Ugly: He looks better than you

• Good: Your son's finally maturing
• Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
• Ugly: So are you

• Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
• Bad: She keeps interrupting
• Ugly: With corrections

• Good: Your wife's not talking to you
• Bad: She wants a divorce
• Ugly: She's a lawyer

• Good: The postman's early
• Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
• Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

• Good: Your daughter got a new job
• Bad: As a hooker
• Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
• Way ugly: She makes more money than you do

• Good: You're son is dating someone new
• Bad: It's another man
• Ugly: He's you're best friend

• Good: You're wife is pregnant
• Bad: It's triplets
• Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.