Unwanted Guest

Went to a Halloween party dressed as Covid.
It got a bit boring, so I suggested a game of tag, but nobody wanted to catch me.

How To Be Annoying (A Guide)

• Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
• Drum on every available surface.
• Staple papers in the middle of the page.
• Ask 800 operators for dates.
• Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
• Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
• Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
• Set alarms for random times.
• Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
• Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
• Honk and wave to strangers.
• Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
• Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
• Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
• Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
• ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
• only type in lowercase.
• dont use any punctuation either.
• Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
• Pay for your dinner with pennies.
• Repeat everything someone says as a question.
• Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
• Light road flares on a birthday cake.
• Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
• Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
• Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
• At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
• As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
• Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
• Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
• Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
• Drive half a block.
• Name your dog "Dog."
• Ask people what gender they are.
• Reply to everything someone says with "That's what YOU think."
• Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
• Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".
• Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes."
• Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
• Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad."
• While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
• Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
• Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
• Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
• Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
• Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
• Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
• Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
• Wear a LOT of cologne.
• Ask to "interface" with someone.
• Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
• Sing along at the opera.
• Mow your lawn with scissors.
• At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata- hWING-batter!"
• Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
• Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
• Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture".
• Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
• Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
• Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
• Never make eye contact.
• Never break eye contact.
• Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
• Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
• Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
• Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
• Make appointments for the 31st of September.
• Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
• Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.

The Missing Case

Dr. Watson is late for his flight because a man is sitting on his luggage.
Sherlock Holmes is on the case.