News Headlines

• Curators at India's Baroda Museum reported irreparable damage to a priceless 3,000-year-old mummy, done by an overzealous cleaning person who apparently opened the mummy's case and vacuumed the body. The vacuum removed ancient dust, peeled toe paint, sucked off part of the nose, and loosened bandages. 
• An anti-logging protester from radical Earth First! was killed near Fortuna, CA, when one of the trees fell on him. 
• In an unconfirmed report, a spokesperson for the Italian Gattinoni fashion house announced Monica Lewinsky has agreed to model a blue two-piece suit there during an October 'Roma Outsize' fashion show in Milan. She'll supposedly get $470,000, half of which will go to charity... Gattinoni recently unveiled a flesh-colored skin-tight 'condom dress' decorated with Viagra pills.
• Saturday in Beaumont, Texas a 20-minute halftime brawl erupted between the Southern University and Prairie View A&M marching bands as the formations passed each other. Three people were taken to the hospital, four $5,000 tubas were bent, and one saxophone plus several pieces of uniform were reported missing.
• Avon is finally eschewing its all-door-to-door selling strategy and starting retail discount outlets.
• October's National Geographic will be the magazine's first with a scent strip. It's a scientific recreation of Cleopatra's perfume.

Stupid Court Record Excerpts from Salt Lake Tribune

The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records.

• Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
• Q: What happened then? A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."  Q: Did he kill you?
• Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
• The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
• Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes.  Q: How many were boys?  A: None.  Q: Were there any girls?
• Were you alone or by yourself?
• Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?  A: That's me.  Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?  Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
• Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?  A: Yes.  Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
• Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?  A: By death.  Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
• Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?  A: I'll be three months on March 12th.  Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?  A: Yes.  Q: What were you doing at that time?
• Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
• Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
• Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?  A: I used to be.  Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
• So, you were gone until you returned?  You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
• Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?  A: Not yet.
• A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
• Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?  A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.  Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?  A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!

Quote of the Stupid

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.
"The effects are fleeting and lingering..." - Overheard in a hallway
"In Managua, people are cheering in the streets, which are deserted." - CBS reporter during the solar eclipse
"A trucker called to thank all of the courteous Seattle drivers he had run across." - Announcer on KZOK radio
"He threw 110 pitches in six innings, and that's a mouthful!" - CBS baseball announcer
"An agreement is not an agreement until the parties to the agreement have reached an agreement." - Irish Politician on RTE radio
"This is the biggest pawn that Israel holds in the whole hostage equation." - BBC world service.
"We have two incredibly credible witnesses here." - Sen. Biden at Thomas hearings from Bob Ericson (Marlboro, MA, USA)
"He's going to step down 'til he's back on his feet." - Vermont Public Radio commentator on Jimmy Swaggart's latest sex scandal