True Signs

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

• On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
• On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."
• At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
• On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."
• In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."
• In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."
• In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
• In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"
• On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament - Ear piercings"

Church Bulletin

I write the church bulletin each week. Last week on complete accident instead of putting in "Pastor Vill will be giving this weeks exciting messages" I wrote: "This week Pastor Vill will be giving this weeks exciting massages." Another time I was suppose to write "Forgiveness can send you to hell" and I accidentally wrote: "Forgiveness will send you to hell." Needless to say my work is checked before the bulletins are printed and passed out now in church.

Penal Enlargement Announcement

I was actually thinking about getting penal enlargement surgery -- thought I'd share that with everybody. But the surgery is dangerous, and it's really expensive. But I found this great, safe alternative to penal enlargement surgery: the metric system.